For so many of us, pageantry is one of the most surreal and beautiful things in the world. It’s all fun and games when we’re onstage in our evening gowns, having that crowning moment, and making appearances.
Here’s the part that no one prepares us for…LOSING. We’ve heard it over and over.“There are 50+ girls in this competition, only one will leave with the crown". It’s been told to us for so long, we can recite it back like its our name. It seems that no matter how often we repeat it back to ourselves, walking away without the results you dreamed for or some form of validation is borderline impossible. It can be hard when we think we deserve one thing and we didn't get what we hoped.
I have competed in seven pageants. In 2014 I was crowned Miss RI High School America 2015. I have also competed in the Miss RI Teen USA pageant system four times, and my placements were as follows: Semi-finalist (2013), Top 5 (2014), Semi-finalist (2015, 2016).
Yes, you read that right. I placed third runner-up when I was fifteen years old, and for the past two years, I haven’t been able to break back into the Top 5. Those past two years were incredibly emotionally difficult to continue on after that. When you put your heart and soul into something year after year, and aren’t validated, you are left with so many questions....
"What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough? Tall enough? Smart enough? Thin enough?"
Those thoughts plague us day after day, and even as I’m writing this and reading it over and over, I don’t understand what I could have done differently. Yet, that’s the issue. The only way I will be (and you, too) able to move on, is by accepting who I am and recognizing no one is as confident or unique as me. No one, not even a pageant competitor, needs validation that they are the best version of themselves.
It takes a few days to heal, and it’s perfectly acceptable to take time. Talk to your family- they will be there for you. Remember why you started competing in the first place; not because you need a crown and banner to do amazing things, or because a title will finally convince you that you’re good enough.
If that’s why you’re competing- for that validation, it’s time to rethink what makes you happy. Regardless of the heartbreak from losing, I kept coming back. Not because I needed the crown, but because competing makes me happy. I absolutely love being onstage, and wearing the gown of my dreams and spending days trying to wash all the hairspray out of my hair. I wait for pageant weekend, where I can walk onstage in a bathing suit and heels and be proud of my body- something that took years, (and I mean years) to come to terms with.
What I’m trying to say is- love yourself. It’s okay to cry, and be sad. However, what’s important is that you know how to look back on your pageant experience. Finally, there is a poem that I was given before finals day of my third pageant (where I was third- runner up). I keep it on my desk, and it never fail to get the chills. I hope that it can bring you peace, if you ever need it.
The Winning Crown: It’s not the title, nor the crown that counts. It's not the weight that's lost that really amounts. It's not the makeup design, or the gown that you wear, or the shape of your build or the length of your hair. You see, the growth of a Queen is all done inside. It’s nothing support hose or makeup can hide The real preparation is done in the mind. It’s leaving your fears and your faults behind. It’s lifting your soul to a place that’s far seen. It’s molding a woman to the height of a Queen. It’s hard and it's work, it’s not easily done. But when it is over, you’ll know who has won. When the pageant is through and the lights are turned down you’ll know you’re a winner and you’ll have your crown. You see, all crowns are different, it’s really an art. Yours can be rhinestones or the growth of the heart!
Shine bright, ladies. XO, Abby
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